Warm Light

I believe that it wont take a huge earthquake type of thing to change the world, it will happen when we woman begin to feel worthwhile inside ourselves. I was thinking of it the other day and realized that learning to take care of your own healing is as important as trying to heal other people's emotional wounds. I always think that emotional abuse is much worse then physical since the bruises are there where you can see and you know you need to take care of it but with emotional abuse no one can see the pain, even you though you feel it inside.

In joining here I felt very good and happy since I was able to help a bit by sharing my own stories with others and hoped it would give them hope and the courage to do what was needed. It was like a light bulb going off when I read one ladies comment about how what she liked best was knowing how healing writing was for me. It made me realize that I have not bothered much beyond a "band aid" to help myself heal. I took the time for my daughters to always make sure they were healing but never felt like I was worth it right then and I could wait until tomorrow to do something for me.

They were reading one journal I had written how we had gone to get a free Thanksgiving dinner and how it made us feel badly with the way they looked at us. I had mentioned how if I had been by myself I might have thought they were right about me. It always drives my girls crazy that I have such low self-esteem and feel like I do not deserve much out of life. I think it is partly coming from a family situation where they did not want me feeling confident about myself. Even now when I am an adult and on my own I still get that fear that somehow it will be taken away from me, this good feeling about myself.

I always knew I had an inner part of me that they could not hurt and always felt it showed like a warm glow to make others feel good about themselves. In thinking about it I pictured it as a lamp that has the dimmer switch where it can go from a warm glow to very bright. I knew my potential was to be very bright and shine so brightly that even on the other side of the world they could feel my love and warmth. I imagine the woman reading my journal to finish with a smile on their face where they feel good about themselves in some way. I pictured it as shining brightly but realized it was more of a flash bulb on a camera then the lamp shining brightly since I was wanting them to see and feel it but still doubt myself as deserving that feeling.

I think the foundation is solid, when trying to come up with an image for this feeling, where you dig deep into the earth to lay the foundation and the earth itself provides the stability for you. When thinking of the "house", an image they say when you dream about represents yourself so think it fits here, I came up with several different images and taken altogether help show this feeling of low self-esteem to others. It isn't just one thing, it is many, and that is sometimes hard to explain to others about how you feel because different situations use these different images.

The house of Jello was the first one that popped into my mind. Jello is an American dessert that can be plain or you can make it as fancy as you want by adding in other ingredients or using different molds to form it. While it is delicious it is also a bit flimsy and wiggly. This is good if you need to be a bit resilient and need to bounce back often from being constantly shoved down (in words not deeds, you know how to fight back against the one kind of abuse but this kind is harder since no one talks about it much) so it seems ideal at first. But once you manage to get away from the situation then you need to start over since Jello is not made to last long and endure.

The house of cards next popped into my mind. It takes a steady hand and determination to build one, just try it yourself to see what I mean! It is a good feeling when you manage to add another layer to it since you know it is your own strength that creates it. But it is also meant to be temporary since the slightest breeze of someone coming into the room and closing the door can knock it down. You can always rebuild it, which is a fun challenge for yourself but even taking a deep breath and letting out a sigh of satisfaction can knock it down again. It is meant for entertainment and not for living.

In Alaska where there is much wilderness and untamed areas people have built a little shack on stilts that is called a "cache" where you can store stuff where animals can not get to it. It is relatively safe and endures but it meant for storing and not living. You can build many of these on your strong foundation, one to hold dreams, one to hold knowledge, etc. but none is meant for you yourself to live in.

In Alaska there is also the house of snow called an "igloo" that people can build when caught in bad weather to provide temporary shelter. Inside you are safe and warm and so glad for it but it will melt when the sun comes out and warm weather begins.

If you can picture all these on top of that one strong foundation it is a bit what having low self-esteem feels like for me. Learning to heal myself is something I do need to work on and to believe that I do matter is something that sounds weird but is how I feel sometimes. I feel if I can help others not feel this way then it is enough and I will be happy but my daughters say I need to read my journals myself!

Maria